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What you got back home, little sister, to play your fuzzy warbles on? I bet you got little save pitiful portable picnic players. Come with uncle and hear all proper. Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones. YOU. ARE. INVITED!

Ratfish Benson @ismellarat

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Posted by ismellarat - December 1st, 2009

This is a list to help out those confused as to whether or not they might be in the dreaded 'Friend Zone'. If you don't know what the Friend Zone is, here's an ED article which explains it pretty thoroughly.
This list was written from personal experience, as well as anecdotal testimony from friends and colleagues. I myself have been Friend Zoned 3 times, 1 of which I was aware of, but held on to false hope nonetheless. I have since had 2 girls attempt to trap me into this curse, but failed miserably.
There is only one cure.

You have to tell them, politely, yet assertively that you know what they're trying to do, and to cut the shit. Then, if you truly feel you are 'in love', you have to cut them completely out of your life. It sounds cruel, and it's hard, but it's the only way you can heal. After a month or two she should be out of your system (It helps to chase other girls during this phase.) and you can go back to being friends, without awkward sexual tension.

Now, the list. Enjoy.

She cancels plans either you or her make.- This isn't an absolute sign, afterall, she might have a genuine reason. However, say you plan 3 dates, and she cancels on all 3 at the last minute, odds are you're in the friend zone.

She starts calling you 'Babe', 'Love', 'Hun', 'Sweetie', 'Sunshine' etc. on MSN, but never in person or around her friends.- One day out of the blue she starts calling you 'babe'. If she did this openly in public while trying to get close to you, you've probably got a good chance. However, if she only does this on MSN and treats you indifferently in person, she obviously doesn't mean it enough to have witnesses.

She describes you like a brother.- BAIL BAIL BAIL. This is the ultimate sign of friend zone. After she's said these words, you're irredeemably deep into the Friend Zone.

She talks about her boyfriends/love interests to you.- If a girl is interested in a guy, she usually won't talk about other guys to him, for fear of scaring them away.
I'm not talking cheap flirtiness for jealousy sake, like "Y'know, Jake has a really hot ass".
I'm talking "Oh I'm so in love with Jake, but I don't have the courage to ask him out. You're a guy, what would you want to hear?"

She always wants hugs from you, and nothing more.- When her love interest won't get close to her, she needs emotional comforting, so she'll come to you for 'hugs'. Despite what Friend Zonees think, these hugs will never develop into anything more.

She's really flirty one day, then completely ignorant of you the next.- This is how she tries to keep you interested. By being really flirty, that will rebuild hopefulness in the victim. Then her cold shoulder makes them think "Oh jeeze maybe I'm pushing her too fast" and try to 'slow down'. This gives the Friend Zoner about another 2 weeks before the Zonee starts to lose hope again and she must intervene again.

She barely ever responds to your pathetic texts, and when she does it takes forever, and is probably a one word answer.- It's a well known fact: Chicks love to text message. They seem to spend half their time on their phones, sending hundreds of messages a day. Since she's too busy txt-flirting with her crush, she has no time to respond to your lame texts.
Sorry, you're out of luck.

Someone put too many pubes in my sandwich. I asked for a medium pubes BLT.

Posted by ismellarat - April 4th, 2008

I was embaressed to go into the cinema to watch this one. At first I was supposed to go as a date with this chick, but that fucked up and I ended up going with 2 other guys. How straight we must have looked. Anywho, this movie got overwhelmingly positive reviews, and even scored an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, so surely it couldn't be that bad, could it? Oh yeah, it sure could.

The plot revolves around the title character Juno, who falls pregnant after losing her virginity to her friend on a couch. Score! But yeah, for whatever reason they didn't use a condom and Juno is stuck with a dillema. She considers an abortion, but pussies out at the last minute and decides to have the baby and put it up for adoption. She finds a family to adopt the baby in her newspaper. The family in question are Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman, who happen to be rich and live in a huge house, it is never really explained why they couldn't have kids on their own, but it turns out that they have tried adoption before and the mother had gotten 'cold feet'. Anyway, skipping a bunch of lame script later, Jason Bateman decides to divorce Jennifer Garner and move away, which distresses Juno muchly. In the end however, Jennifer Garner takes the baby by herself and Juno hooks up with Paulie and everyone is happy. Ugh.

The character of Juno is an interesting one, as she doesn't act like most girls, as she is into rock music and slasher flicks and she is constantly using lame sayongs like 'wicked' and 'hells yeah!'. Ellen Page does a fairly good job of playing the confused teenager, of which she was nominated for an Academy Award.
The movie doesn't focus on many other characters, except perhaps for Jason Bateman's character, who at several times I swore was a pedophile. He doesn't put forth much effort acting in this movie, but with the stale script I don't blame him. In the times we see him though, he is always giving Juno the "I want to fuck you" look, and I don't know if this is in the script or if Bateman is just checking Page out.

The music was pretty good, containing elements of classic rock and such. It also contains a lot of music by the indy band 'Moldy Peaches', including the song that Juno and Paulie play at the end; Anyone Else but You.

I found the movie to be really boring and predictable at times, but since its a chick flick, there isn't really much to expect. Afterall, its more or less meant to be a movie that you take your girlfriend to see, not a bunch of guy friends. However another movie based around accidental pregnancy; Knocked Up, was much funnier and more entertaining to me. That movie showed things from both the guy and the girl's point of view. Along with hilarious jokes and such, it went into the issues that come from pregnancy and we got a sense of urgency from both parents. This doesn't happen in Juno, as she just remains ignorant and immature the whole way through, shrugging things off since the baby isn't going to be her problem when it is born.

Overall, the movie was clearly meant as nothing more than a chick flick, so bitching about a predictable plot and such is kinda pointless. Don't make my mistake, if you really deem it necessary to watch this movie, make sure you do so along with a girl. That way it will feel like less of a chore to sit though and make your $10 worthwhile.


Posted by ismellarat - February 29th, 2008

I'm sure you've all heard of it. This is an animated movie by Seth McFarlane, parodying Star Wars: Episode 4: A New Hope, with memorable characters from the animated series: Family Guy (way to point out the obvious). After the last Family Guy movie (Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story) which was actually 3 episodes tacked together, and a disgrace to the series, and one of the biggest dissapointments of my life; I had my doubts.

The plot of the movie is the exact plot of Star Wars 4. Princess Leia has stolen plans for a gigantic battle station, and when boarded by Darth Vader, she jetisons them down to a farmboy named Luke Skywalker. The boy meats Obi Wan Kenobi, and when his aunty and uncle are killed he learns the ways of the Force, joins the rebellion and eventually destroys the Death Star. Seemingly saving the universe.
This raises the main problem with the movie, it follows the movie WAY TOO MUCH. Most of the dialogue is the same, and much of it is used shot for shot. If I wanted to watch Star Wars, I would watch Star Wars. I wanted to see family guy, and while it occasionally throws in the random tongue in cheek humour that the series is known for, it really just felt like a duplicate with Family Guy characters, rather than a parody.

Speaking of the Family Guy characters, the cast seem to fit perfectly. Peter plays Han Solo, Brian is Chewbacca, Chris is Luke, Lois is Liea, Herbert is Obi Wan, Quagmire is C3PO, Cleveland is R2D2 and Stewie is Darth Vader. On top of this they throw in mant cameos from the series such as the Evil Monkey, and even an American Dad reference, with Roger the alien at the Mos Eisley Cantina. It is nice to see these faces, but sometimes they feal tacked on in a ploy to make the movie seem more unique.

My second biggest problem with the movie is that it was too short. The whole movie went for about 45 minutes, making it only about 2 episodes. This makes it shorter than the original Family Guy movie, and even shorter than the Simpsons Movie, which went for about 70 minutes. This was disspointing, and made the $30 price tag a little hard to justify. At least they threw in a bonus episode in the special features.

The movie was well presented, with crisp animation, detailed drawings, and constant use of Cel Shading on things like the Millenium Falcon etc. The music however, was all recycled from the Star Wars films. They poke fun at this at least, when Luke turns around to see John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra playing.

All in all, the movie was way better than the first Family Guy movie, but that isn't saying much; as that movie sucked donkey dick. However, it wasn't really that funny and with the 45 minute running time, it ins't worth the $30. I suggest hiring it instead, as you could watch the movie and all the special features (of which include an interview where George Lucas plugs Family Guy and swears :3) in less than a night.

Family Guy: Blue Harvest

Posted by ismellarat - February 22nd, 2008



Posted by ismellarat - November 15th, 2007

Lets split up and search for clues!

Ok gang...